I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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