She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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