I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
