that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
