im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
