life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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