I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
