Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
