I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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