apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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