pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
