Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Bring me that man meat
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
