do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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