She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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