I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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