do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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