I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
a search helicopter?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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