why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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