I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
