I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
