I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
