my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
