I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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