i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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