Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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