Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
