If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
