dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
