She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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