My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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