I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
