I seem to have left my pride at pride
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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