my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
