I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i will never coherently bang her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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