If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
