I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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