The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
