I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I looked at my own cervix.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
