I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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