Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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