you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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