Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
