she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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