plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
