i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
