I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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