Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
