You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
