so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
