What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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