come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
