I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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