I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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